As a family law attorney in Texas, I often encounter clients who are caught off guard by their spouse’s desire for a divorce. Recently, I received a distressing call from a potential client named Mae, who found herself in just such a situation.
“Chris, I’m devastated. My husband just told me he is thinking about divorce, but he won’t tell me why,” Mae said. “I don’t want to lose my marriage. I want to understand what’s going wrong and try to fix it. Do you have any ideas?”
“I’m glad you called Mae,” I said. “I’ve seen this scenario plenty of times and have many ideas I can share to help you figure out what might be causing your husband to tell you he is considering leaving you. The good news is, once you get a grasp on what might be pushing him away, you can get talking about it, and perhaps save your marriage.”
“Do you think there is some hope Chris?” Mae asked.
“Yes, I do. Allow me to share seven common causes of divorce and ways to address them,” I told her. “We’ll see if you see yourself in any of these causes. Then you can take action to address them. But keep in mind, even if divorce is inevitable, I’ll be here to help you get through these challenging times one way or another.”
“Thank you Chris, let’s explore these possible causes and try to figure out what is making my husband consider such a drastic step,” she said.
Impending divorce is a reality that many couples face, and understanding the causes of divorce can be crucial for those navigating marital challenges like Mae. As a family law attorney with over 15 years of experience, I’ve seen firsthand how various factors contribute to the breakdown of marriages. The average age of divorce varies, but the causes of divorce are often complex and intertwined, rarely boiling down to a single issue. Please explore the primary reasons couples find themselves contemplating or pursuing ending their marriages with me, and learn what you can do if you’re facing similar issues in your relationship.
It’s important to note that while these divorce issues are common, every relationship is unique. What leads one couple to separate might be a minor issue for another. By understanding these factors, you can better assess your own relationship and potentially take steps to address problems before they become insurmountable.
1. Infidelity: A Major Cause of Marital Breakdown
Infidelity remains one of the most devastating causes of divorce. In my practice, I’ve seen countless marriages crumble under the weight of betrayal. Divorce statistics and research show that infidelity significantly increases the odds of divorce.
But what exactly constitutes infidelity? It’s not just physical affairs. There’s also emotional infidelity, where one partner forms a deep emotional connection with someone outside the marriage, which can be equally damaging. In today’s digital age, online affairs have become increasingly common, making it easier to hide extramarital affairs.
The Impact of Infidelity on Trust
When infidelity occurs, it shatters the foundation of trust in a relationship. Rebuilding that trust is possible, but it requires significant effort from both partners, especially in cases of infidelity. Many couples find that professional counseling is essential in navigating the aftermath of an affair and improving their relationships.
If you’re dealing with infidelity in your marriage, it’s crucial to take time to process your emotions before making any major decisions. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Remember, while infidelity is a common cause of divorce, it doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is over.
2. Financial Stress: A Silent Killer of Marriages
Money troubles are another leading cause of divorce. Financial stress can manifest in various ways, from arguments over spending habits to the strain of living paycheck to paycheck. In my experience, financial issues often underlie other marital problems and contribute to the overall divorce rate. This is a major reason many couples cite when getting divorced.
Couples who have different financial values or goals may find themselves constantly at odds over money. One partner might be a saver while the other is a spender, leading to ongoing conflict. In some cases, financial infidelity – hiding purchases or debt from a spouse – can be as damaging as romantic infidelity and can even be considered spousal abuse by some.
Addressing Financial Stress in Your Marriage
If financial difficulties are causing strain in your relationship, open and honest communication is key. Consider trying the following suggestions to address your financial stress:
- Create a budget together.
- Set shared financial goals.
- Be transparent about income, debts, and spending.
- Consider consulting a financial advisor.
Remember, it’s not just about the money itself, but how you communicate about and manage your finances as a team. You need to have mutual support to overcome these financial problems.
3. Communication Breakdown: A Root Cause of Divorce
Poor communication is often at the heart of many causes of divorce. When couples can’t effectively express their needs, feelings, and concerns, resentment builds, and intimacy fades. I’ve seen many marriages where partners essentially become roommates, living parallel lives with little meaningful interaction.
Many married couples say that the final straw was a lack of communication. Here are some examples of how communication issues can manifest:
- Frequent misunderstandings or arguments.
- Feeling unheard or dismissed by your partner.
- Avoiding difficult conversations.
- Passive-aggressive behavior.
Improving Communication in Your Marriage
Enhancing communication skills can significantly improve your relationship. Consider these strategies:
- Practice active listening.
- Use “I” statements to express feelings.
- Set aside regular time for meaningful conversations.
- Seek couples counseling to learn effective communication techniques.
Remember, good communication is a skill that can be learned and improved over time. This skill is important for improving relationships and easing marital conflict.
4. Lack of Intimacy: Physical and Emotional Distance
Intimacy issues, both physical and emotional, are another common cause of divorce. While sexual incompatibility can certainly be a factor, lack of intimacy often goes beyond the bedroom. It’s about feeling connected, understood, and valued by your partner.
In my practice, I’ve seen many couples who’ve grown apart over time. They may still care for each other, but the spark that once brought them together has faded. This emotional distance can leave partners feeling unfulfilled and lonely, even within their marriage.
Rekindling Intimacy in Your Relationship
If you’re struggling with intimacy issues, consider taking these steps:
- Make time for regular date nights.
- Express affection through small gestures daily.
- Be open about your needs and desires.
- Consider sex therapy if physical intimacy is an issue.
Remember, intimacy is about more than sex. It’s about maintaining an emotional connection with your partner.
5. Substance Abuse and Addiction: Destructive Forces in Marriage
Substance abuse and addiction are also significant causes of divorce. When one partner struggles with addiction, it can create a cycle of broken promises, financial strain, and emotional turmoil. The non-addicted partner often feels helpless and may eventually reach a breaking point. It can contribute to domestic violence and domestic abuse.
Addiction doesn’t just affect the individual; it impacts the entire family. Children of addicts may experience neglect or instability, further straining the marital relationship. In some cases, both partners may struggle with substance abuse, creating a toxic environment that’s difficult to escape. Substance abuse can also lead to violence in the home, which can have lasting effects on a marriage and the entire family.
Addressing Addiction in Your Marriage
If addiction is affecting your marriage, it’s crucial to seek help. Here are some steps to consider:
- Encourage your partner to seek professional treatment.
- Attend support groups for families of addicts.
- Set clear boundaries to protect yourself and your children.
- Consider individual therapy to process your emotions.
Remember, recovery from substance abuse is possible, but it requires commitment from both partners.
6. Growing Apart: When Life Goals Diverge
Sometimes, the causes of divorce are more subtle. Couples who marry young may find that they’ve grown in different directions over time. What seemed like compatible life goals at 25 might look very different at 40. This gradual divergence can lead to a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction in the marriage. When this is the case, people start thinking about divorce and seek out divorce lawyers.
Common areas where couples may grow apart include:
- Career aspirations.
- Desire for children.
- Lifestyle preferences.
- Religious or political beliefs.
Navigating Changing Life Goals
If you feel like you and your spouse are growing apart, it’s important to address the issue head-on. Here are some strategies:
- Have regular check-ins about your individual and shared goals.
- Be willing to compromise and find middle ground.
- Support each other’s personal growth.
- Consider couples counseling to help navigate major life changes.
Remember, growing and changing is natural. The key is to do it together, as a team. This can also be improved with improving relationship education.
7. Lack of Commitment: When the Going Gets Tough
In my years as a divorce attorney, I’ve seen many cases where lack of commitment was a primary cause of divorce. Marriage requires effort, compromise, and sometimes sacrifice. When one or both partners aren’t fully committed to making the relationship work, even minor challenges can become insurmountable. If one spouse worked more on the marriage than the other, it can create an imbalance, and become a reason for divorce.
Lack of commitment can manifest in various ways:
- Refusing to work on relationship issues.
- Prioritizing personal interests over the marriage.
- Being unwilling to make sacrifices for the relationship.
- Giving up easily when faced with challenges.
Strengthening Commitment in Your Marriage
If you feel that commitment is waning in your relationship, consider these steps:
- Openly discuss your expectations and concerns.
- Renew your commitment through actions, not just words.
- Seek marital counseling to strengthen your bond.
- Make time for shared activities and goals.
Remember, commitment is a choice you make every day. It’s about choosing your partner and your marriage, even when it’s challenging.
Conclusion
Understanding the causes of divorce is crucial for maintaining a healthy, lasting marriage. While infidelity, financial stress, communication breakdown, lack of intimacy, substance abuse, growing apart, and lack of commitment are common factors, every relationship is unique. If you’re facing challenges in your marriage, remember that many of these issues can be addressed with effort, communication, and often, professional help.
As a family law attorney, I’ve seen marriages recover from even the most serious challenges. But I’ve also seen the pain and difficulty that comes when these challenges lead to divorce. If you’re struggling in your marriage, don’t wait until it’s too late to seek help. Address the causes of divorce head-on, communicate openly with your partner, and don’t be afraid to seek professional guidance.
With commitment and effort, many marriages can overcome these challenges and emerge stronger.
Did Mae Get Some Ideas?
After discussing these common causes of divorce and potential solutions, some light bulbs went off in Mae’s mind. She didn’t think it was anything obvious like financial trouble or substance abuse. Mae knew she didn’t have an affair and didn’t think he would cheat on her. She began to think it must be something more subtle.
“Chris, your seven reasons are helping me eliminate some things and really focus on other possible reasons why he might want out,” she said to me.
“That’s why we went through them, Mae. Do you have any ideas?” I asked her.
“Well yes, actually my mind is racing with ideas,” she said. “I think it’s something more gradual, more subtle. Maybe we’ve just grown apart. I mean he is so busy at work, and I’m so busy with the kids, we barely talk about anything other than schedules.”
“Does he try Mae? Does he try to talk to you?” I asked.
“You know he does, just before bed, when I’m exhausted, and just want to go to sleep. He wants to talk. He asks me about my day, but my answers are very brief, and I don’t ask him about his day. Normally, I’m just so tired I don’t really engage on an emotional level with him. Maybe he needs that emotional connection,” she said as the tone in her voice shifted to sadness as she came upon a possible realization. “Or maybe he’s found somebody else to be intimate with.”
“Maybe, but maybe not,” I said to her. “He might just be looking for somebody to talk to. He probably wants it to be you, but if you are not there for him, who knows where he’ll turn. It’s probably time to give him some more attention.”
“You’re right Chris, I need to start talking to him more. I need to be more responsive when he initiates conversations. I think I just started taking him for granted. Ugh… this is my fault,” she said.
“Mae, it seems you are ready to take some responsibility. Now you can take action. Any ideas how?” I asked her.
“Chris, it starts with an apology, and an offer to reignite the intimacy we once shared. Maybe I’ll ask him how his day was and really listen. Maybe we can start talking for 15 minutes or so before we go to sleep every night,” she said. “Who knows what that will lead to.”
“Mae, it seems like our discussion has helped you see some possible reasons why he is considering divorce, plus possible steps to address them,” I said. “See how you do on your own, but remember there are professionals who can help too. If you want to save your marriage, I think it’s possible. But if you realize he really wants out, I’m here to help you navigate that path too.”
“Thank you Chris. It’s so nice to have a divorce attorney who wants to see me work on my marriage before we proceed with a legal divorce. I’m so glad I have you on my side,” she said to me.
Schedule a Divorce Consultation in Dallas With Our Firm
Divorce can be stressful and challenging, but you do not have to face it alone. Our team of experienced Dallas family attorneys is ready to provide you with the guidance, support, and legal advocacy you need during these challenging times.
Whether you are seeking to understand the reasons for divorce while trying to address them here in Texas, or navigating any divorce related matters, we are here to help you every step of the way. We welcome you to schedule a consultation to discuss your situation and case objectives. We can answer your legal questions and discuss how we can help you move forward. Call our law office at (888) 584-9614 or contact us online to schedule your consultation.